I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
