i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
