EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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