the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
