I think my vagina is haunted
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
