I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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