where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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