I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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