I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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