Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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