Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
