i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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