the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
