I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
