Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
