I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
