Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
