I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
