i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
