I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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