M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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