i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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