I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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