nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
