I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
