Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
