mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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