Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
