She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
