I just made out with a guy for $7.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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