I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
