Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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