"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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