Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
