so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You can't special order awesome
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
