so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
