Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
