I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
