I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
