My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
