All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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