i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
