you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
