who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
