My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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