The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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