Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
