Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
