she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
