my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
