nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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