I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
